A candid "dialgoue" between grandpa and his grandson

PERSPECTIVE: PN Balji, a veteran journalist, reflects on his relationship with his grandson, Arrian.

Here, we reproduce a letter to his grandson from Letter to my son, a book edited by Felix Cheong and published by Marshall Cavendish.

In the letter, he reflected on how he might have been unnecessarily harsh on his grandson and how this approach was based on the experience of his own strict upbringing. He also offers some advice to his grandson to navigate the future world.

PN Balji has over 40 years' experience in journalism in Singapore spanning print, broadcast and digital journalism.

He has also provided communications advisory services to organisations in the public and private sector.

You can get a copy of the book here.

By PN Balji

Hi Arrian,

Let me start with an apology. And it is an unreserved one, with no caveats, no ifs and buts.

I apologise for being tough and rough with you when you were growing up.

If I had understood how you were emotionally affected by my behaviour, I would have been more understanding and accepting of your boisterous, restless and rebellious nature.

So, here it is: Sorry. I should have learnt from the way your grandmother dealt with you. She loved you with no inhibitions. I could see it was true love. The kind of love many men hardly display in their interactions with their children and grandchildren.

Some call it the yin-yang relationship where one takes the soft approach and the other, hard.

A quick back story is needed. About six years ago, when you were about five, I used to fly off the handle because of your behaviour. There were occasions when I raised my hand when I saw you doing things which I felt were inappropriate.

I had a very different upbringing from your parents

One example: While sitting in the child seat in the back of the car, you would get bored.

Your parents bought a VCD player that would show cartoon programmes to keep you quiet. That worked for a few minutes during every ride. Soon after, you would get restless and irritated and throw it at me.

On one occasion, I nearly met with an accident. Luckily, I jammed the brakes in time, stopped the car and gave you a dressing down. But you did not seem to bother one bit. That riled me up no end.

I have thought about why I acted like this. I belong to the old school of parenting where talking down, rather than talking to, was the only way to deal with children.

It was my way or the highway. Your parents are very different. They are more nurturing, perhaps more forgiving. Patience is their virtue as they go to great length to talk to and cajole you into their way of doing things.

My childhood was spent fearing and respecting my father. He was very strict about punctuality. Getting up early in the morning was a ritual in our house, not something my brother and I practised.

He tolerated the lack of discipline for some time. One day, the inevitable storm broke. As usual, my brother and I were late to get up and he ordered my mother to make sure that we stayed in bed with no breakfast.

We were hungry, our bladder was bursting—but he did not relent. Finally, nearly three hours later at noon, he let us off the hook and we never got up late after that. It was a lesson well learnt; even today I am up before 6 am.

I was shocked when you said that I didn't love you

One day, your father shocked me with these words: “Arrian told me that you don’t love him.” Those words were painful to hear. Which grandfather doesn’t love his grandson?

I could hardly sleep that night. Tossing and turning in bed, I replayed all my interactions with you and concluded that I have to change.

I began to focus on your good qualities. As I began to watch you closely, I realised you liked things technical. You knew the mobile phone inside out; you knew nearly every part of my car, even teaching me how to use the park assist mechanism.

You took to technology like a fish to water, examining our mobile phones and the car in detail. I remember how you used to Google and study the various aspects in detail and surprise us with information that we never knew about.

You are very house proud, cleaning our place with the care an artist would display for his painting, every brush stroke done with love and dedication.

Talking about artists, I see your younger brother taking to the brush with flourish. Please nurture him and encourage him to realise his dream.

When I changed my approach, our relationship took a turn for the better

As I began to focus on the good parts of your character, our relationship began to change. I hope you have noticed that.

You have become more caring, advising me to wash my hands with soap regularly because of the havoc Covid-19 is inflicting on the world. I was very touched when one night, you came into my bedroom to check if I were breathing.

You are also becoming disciplined and responsible. You finish your homework on time and without any prompting, pull up your younger brother when he steps out of line.

And you have become a straight shooter, once even telling off your teacher for screaming and walking out of class.

One day, I asked you about it. This was how the short conversation went

Arrian, you don’t like your teacher?
Yes.
Why?
Because she screams and walks out of the class when students become noisy.
Did you talk to her about it?
Yes. I told her she is a frustrated woman. She should take up meditation as my grandma does it and has become calmer.

That conversation became a turning point in your life. That was the main reason why your parents took you off the Singapore school system and put you in an international school.

You still have a little bit of a rebellious streak however

They felt you would find it very difficult to survive in a government school system. You never looked back after that decision. You have become very articulate, confident and opinionated. The transformation has been admirable.

There are still some rough edges but I am convinced you will iron them out in no time. There is still the rare moment when you act nonchalantly when asked a question.

I see it as your rebellious nature surfacing. But when I talk to you about it, you apologise without reservation.

When you finally get into National Service, find a job, fall in love and live in a world with opportunities that are not easily identifiable, here are some tips to help you navigate the dramatic changes taking place.

Picking up life skills & knowing when to apologise

First, you have to pick up life skills. Those skills are multi-faceted. No one will teach you how to go about identifying these skills and how to use them.

One simple way of doing this is to do a replay of some of the significant experiences you had each day. As you do that, ask yourself what you did wrong, what you did right. That way you will learn not to repeat the mistakes you had made and maybe even repeat the right things you did.

I talk from experience. I used to do this every day and during one of those replays, I realised I had made a wrong decision, called the person I was unfair to and apologised.

That person’s expression showed me that she appreciated it very much. Life skills are more important today as the world you are going to live in will be more and more complex as it comes to terms with unpredictable happenings.

Learning how to adapt

Traditional jobs in insurance and banking are going to disappear, relationships will be re-defined, values made to look so passé. Some of these are already happening.

Industries are being disrupted, traditional jobs like those that involve low or no tech will vanish. There will be no such thing as an iron rice bowl.

You are likely to lose your job, not just once, but many times in your lifetime as your bosses chase profits and try to keep their heads above water. It is not just companies that will disappear. Entire industries will go up in smoke.

How do you survive in such a treacherous world? This is where life skills come in. These are survival skills which even videogames can teach. I read an article in National Geographic which says these games teach you to pay attention, think flexibly and develop problem-solving strategies.

You will have to rethink the world of work. Working for one boss will become out of fashion; plan to be your own boss by being an entrepreneur or have many bosses by joining the gig economy where you work for a number of companies instead of just one.

That way, you have many cards to play with. One company closes down and you have a few other companies you are already working for.

Degrees will lose their standing with employers. Instead, they will start looking for people with special skills, for example, in computing and tech.

The short message is this: Keep learning and improvising even after you get a job. Not to forget you should be multi-skilled. For example, you should be able to do a number of jobs in the same company.

That way, you will not operate in a silo and be redundant in a short period of time and be more valuable to your company.

I grew up in a different time from you

I grew up in a different time, a different world. Times were tough with nobody giving this minute dot called Singapore a chance to survive.

The government under Lee Kuan Yew and its citizens pulled together and we have this man-made marvel before us. I belonged to the lucky generation.

As Singapore progressed, the people of my generation benefitted. Our salaries went up as Lee Kuan Yew pushed relentlessly for a high-wage economy.

The government forced a saving culture on us by mandating that our Central Provident Fund had sufficient money during rainy days.

At one time, the monthly forced saving was 50 per cent, 25 per cent from our salaries and the other 25 per cent paid by the companies and organisations we worked for.

As I look back, it is this one measure that was responsible for many from my generation to live a less stressful life today.

As the world becomes borderless and the chase for talent becomes relentless, you have to learn to become a citizen of the world, not just of Singapore.

Once I was in the Jakarta airport waiting to return home after finishing a consultancy there. I was surprised to see many Singaporeans in the queue waiting to catch the flight back to their home country.

All the passengers I spoke to worked in Jakarta and were in the queue to re-join their families for the weekend back in Singapore.

Such a trend of working in one country and living in another will become widespread.

When it comes to relationships, its important to find a partner based on values

Now to the topic of love. All of us fall in love, sometimes more than once. And nearly all of us get married. How to know you have fallen in love? Sometimes, it happens in a flash; you see a girl and you know that she is THE one.

Sometimes, it starts off as a friendship and develops into a deeper relationship.

Whatever the route, it is very important that you choose your life partner based on values. List down the values your partner has and see how many items tick off in your box.

In a relationship, values matter. You get that right and you are likely to hit it off forever. No relationship is static. So, it is with love. Time changes everything. You will change, so will your partner.

Sometimes you might find that the girl you had married turns out to be a different person. Your wife might see a different you. This is normal; learn to adapt and compromise.

I know it is becoming fashionable for couples to proclaim that they do not want to have children. Life is already so stressful and disruptive that having children will only add to the problems of modern-day living.

But children bring tremendous joy to your life. Your life will become more balanced and meaningful. The satisfaction of seeing your kids every day after work is indescribable.

Ultimately, it is your family that is the most important pillar

When the world churns, you have to churn, too. You must keep abreast of what is happening in the world. You cannot just think local; global is the name of the game.

Read widely, talk to different people to understand the political and social trends taking place in the world and prepare yourself to catch the next wind.

In the end, family is everything. Your family members are the only ones who will love you without any bias and support you at all costs.

If I am asked to pin down the values you need in a brave new world, I would pick these two: wings and roots.

They sound contradictory, but they are not. Wings for you to fly, roots for you to know that if you have any problems, you can always go back to your roots—your home—to find solace.

I have seen enough youths who do not go to their parents for advice or how to get out of a sticky situation. They just do not have the confidence to open up to their parents.

Instead, they fall back on their friends who may not have the maturity and experience to give them the right advice. Even if parents are not equipped to give the right advice, they can put you in touch with the right people.

Parents must also learn to overcome their communication gap with their children

Not to forget, your parents are always interested in your wellbeing. Many do not approach their parents because the communication gap in our homes has widened.

Parents and children do not talk to each other enough. The main reason for this parent-child gap is that parents say they have hardly any time because of their long working hours.

That is just an excuse, I think. Parents have to find the time to communicate. Children are watching their parents every day. Like osmosis, they are absorbing everything that happens in the home.

I am sure you remember this incident when you asked your parents: Are you getting a divorce? Immediately, your parents responded not with anger, but by sitting you down and explaining to you that husband-wife quarrels do happen in every home.

Differences of opinion are there all the time. And they can be healthy because they help to clear up domestic issues. It will happen to you, too, after you get married.

The home is the bedrock of your growth as a human being and as a good citizen. The home is the root of your existence. There will be issues as you grow up. But it will provide you the right help and advice if you fall into bad times.

In today’s changing world, the home should encourage you to use your own wings to settle down in another country or build a new home in Singapore.

You should do that knowing that you can always return to your roots when you are down.

The advice you get will definitely be honest with no strings attached.

I am convinced you are realising this. And that you will turn out to be the man in my family.

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